Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
