I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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