Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
How does one acquire holy water?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
