Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
