when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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