Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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