New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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