she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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