I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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