Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
