Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
