Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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