Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
