dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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