Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
