the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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