why didn't you poke me back
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
