That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The uberlube is also flammable
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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