she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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