Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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