and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
