i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
