I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
