ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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