If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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