she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
