my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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