I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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