I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
