Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
