even my farts smell like vagina
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
