Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm too high and old for this...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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