im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
