I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
