Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
