I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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