My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
