Soap is not a condiment
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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