Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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