Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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