So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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