i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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