i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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