all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
