the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the condom got lost in my hair
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He passed out mid-signature
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
