Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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