I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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