but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
