Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
