Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
