A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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