When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
