i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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