the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud š³
Some sorority went āDick or Treatingā at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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