I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
