I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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