I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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